Apr 03 2008
Mar 26 2008
11 Find happiness in changing yourself not others
“Most people suffer because they want other people to change - only then do they think they will be happy.” All we must do is change our reaction to our environment. You must find happiness in yourself. Never think you will get it from someone else.
Mar 25 2008
10 Follow the Moon not the Finger
First of all, authority in so-called spiritual matters is really nonspiritual.
I think that must be clear and must be understood deeply. There is no authority in man’s endeavour to find out if there is that ultimate truth. The authority of a priest, of all the religions based on hearsay, on propaganda, on conditioning the mind to believe in certain saviours, masters and so on. Because one has to be a light to oneself and you cannot possibly light your light from another. And we are going to go into that briefly. Unfortunately gurus are invading this country.
The word ‘guru’ which is almost adopted in the European language and in English, the word ‘guru’, the root meaning of that means weight, heavy, weight.
And also it means, one who dispels ignorance. And also it means, one who points. And it has got several meanings like that. One who dispels ignorance, one who takes away your burden, doesn’t impose his burden onto you, but takes away your burden.
You understand?
But the gurus generally in this country that have invaded, and the Americans have become so gullible, they generally impose their weight, their conditioning, their ignorance, their beliefs, their traditions. And changing from one conditioning to another is still the lack of freedom. And here in this country, and as well as in India, this acceptance of authority of the guru has become a fashion. And you are practising various methods and systems that they have brought over here.
And if you are not satisfied with them then you trot off to India, or to Japan, trying to find a guru originally for yourself down there. That is, you deny freedom, freedom to find out for yourself.
And that means the total denial of all religious spiritual authority - total denial.
Otherwise you can’t be free to enquire, to examine. Politically, democracy, so-called democracy, allows you to be free, not under tyranny, but you have accepted the tyranny of the gurus, of the priests, of the authority, of tradition. And we are saying that a mind, a religious mind that is trying to find out what religion is, the truth, if there is an ultimate reality, ultimate truth, must be totally free from all authority. Because we want, we are confused, uncertain, unhappy, and these people promise all these things - happiness. And so we are only too eager to follow. That is one point.
Jiddu Krishnamurti in “Freedom From all Belief” Cited in The Zen Frog
Feb 27 2008
9 If Anyone’s to blame, make it be yourself
Living beyond blame is easier said than done. Even the most pure in thought will find themselves drawn to make others rather than themselves at fault.
There is a key distinction however between being drawn to think something as a distraction and actually following through.
I find myself putting others at fault from time to time. The ego must protect itself from appearing weak. In such instances I try to step back and observe the blame, acknowledge what I’m doing then let it go. Again, easier said than done - however going through the motions alone and recognzing yourself as of seperate intention to your ego is itself a mental practise that can bring liberation over the long term.
In the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”
Stephen Covey talks of the first habit being the primary habit to underpin all others: Effective people are response-able. Between the stimulus and the response is an ability to choose the response. This, according to Covey, represents the foundation of being human and our own happiness.
When you look at aspects of your life you want to change, consider where the cause originates. That relationship you are in, the job, your health, your financial situation and so on. For each one that we feel a grievance towards we relinquish our ability to change, our control and therefore our happiness.
For examplen if you are overweight you can put it down to a natural disposition (slow metabolism, genes, family etc) or you can put it down to your own bad habits. The former certainly shields you from the pain of regret, but which of these scenarios are you able to change? Whilst putting it down to yourself may be too much exposure for one to take, the very recognition of the fact represents 90% of the cure.
“Enemies such as craving and hatred are without arms or legs. They are neither courageous nor wise. How is it they have enslaved me?” Shantideva
Feb 20 2008
8 Say “No” More
It appears strange that surrounded by life coaches practising affirmations of YES I should contemplate happiness through saying NO more.
“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.” W Clement Stone
Saying NO however does not mean negativity, it simply means protecting yourself from overcommitment, bad habits or even other people’s negativity.
Each YES is an implicit NO elsewhere and there is only so much of you to go around. The inability to say NO is the long term route to unhappiness as you end up in situations you don’t want to be part of, relationships detrimental to your wellbeing and with commitments you are unable to meet.
Save a little of yourself so you have the mind and heart to deal with the unexpected and welcome it into your life.
It means saying no to people, to even friends and family and this can be the most challenging aspect of making a change, because in some cases it is friends and family that dont want you to change. If you change, it could impact your relationship, it could expose them for not changing.
Once you happily went drinking with friends after work and now you face peer pressure for taking that golf lesson.
Once you were one of the gang and now you alienate them by sharing your goals and success and all this “positive thinking mumbo jumbo”. Why cant you just be normal? While you cant choose your family, you can choose your friends carefully and on the road to success you will both lose old and make new friends. Having the courage to let go of friendships that may be holding you back is crucial to growth.
“The only way you can do more is to decide what you will do less of” (Stephen Covey)
Feb 19 2008
7 Give up your story
• Circumstances dont make a man, they reveal him - James Allen
• Perhaps the deepest reason why we are afraid of death is because we do not know who we are. We believe in a personal, unique and separate identity; but if we dare to examine it, we find that this identity depends entirely on an endless collection of things to prop it up; our name, our “story”, our partners, family, home, job, car, friends, credit cards… It is on their fragile and transient suppor that we rely for our security - Sogyal Rinpoche
What is our story? How did I get here? How did my parents, my schooling and other life experiences shape me?
Tony Robbins said the only way to be successful in life is to give up your story. What did he mean? Our story is a complex fabric of interwoven belief systems, routines, prejudices and identities that we amass throughout our life. It underpins our strategy to belong and be significant.
Even suffering brings significance. Some people suffer more than others and this brings them attention and love. Thus stories and ultimately identities are reinforced.
Stories however bring suffering. Even seemingly positive stories that nourish the ego inadvertently tie the actor to the what has been. Every story ties our identity to past experiences which constantly play out in the present even though the event has long gone. Each contains limiting beliefs that form the basis of our identity and eventually the barriers that prevent us from growing.
In the teachings of traditional Buddhism and Hinduism, suffering is taught in the context the karmic effect of previous lives’ causes replicating in the current. In the same vein, we too live out the suffering of our memories.
I cannot, I could never, I wish I could have, I’m not the type who, I’m not very good at…
All such beliefs are part of our life story’s fabric based on our memories. Following on from the teachings of the spiritual traditions, the end of suffering comes from breaking the chains of the karmic cycle - the point at which the individual states “I’m not the product of my past”.
Feb 16 2008
6 Practise good habits
“There is nothing clever about not being happy” Arnaud Desjardins
Matthieu Ricard, in his book “Happiness…” describes it as a life skill, a habit that requires work.
Unhappiness therefore is the result of a lack of the internal work required to make us happy.
So what do we have to work on to make us happy? Everything I discuss on this blog - from language to actions to thought. Each requires effort that will produce happiness for all involved. The converse also holds true - unhappiness is often the result of a great deal of mental laziness.
How can a successful person be unhappy? They are by nature hardworking so laziness cannot factor into their emotional dna.
This is where we mistake being busy to represent the opposite of laziness. In many instances this is misguided - being busy *is* laziness. How so, busy often is the easy option. Staying so active one has little time to reflect on one’s situation means avoiding the jugular issues such as relationships, life plans and the true nature of feeling.
It requires work to stop and think about our own life situation. “Why do I feel stressed all the time?” is a question easily avoided when the urgency of the schedule keeps you firefighting deadlines and drowning out life’s signal with noise.
Being happy requires work to make space for that signal and to listen to yourself once in a while.
Feb 14 2008
5 Live beyond the Label
We go through life labelled with various attachments that begin with the words “I am…” Such signposts allow others to interact with us on the basis of shortcuts and assumptions. For example, if you label yourself “vegetarian” you allow others to avoid the obvious culinary faux pas that puts everyone in a difficult position.
Consider the mental images evoked by the following labels ~ “Vegetarian”, “Liverpool supporter”, “struggling artist”, “full time mum”, “motivational speaker”, “muslim” or “buddhist”.
Each allows the observer to pre-empty the motivations and behavioural tendencies of the labelled and ultimately requires less effort.
However labels also have their negative biproducts. Any label creates schism in that it assumes a polarity of those “in” and those “out”. Labels are also fuel for the egoic self. The moment you say “I am x” you define yourself by your label.
“What do you do?” Is one of the most frequently asked ice-breakers between non-friends. “I’m a director of a company” replies one. Interestingly the question about what you “do” is turned round into what you are.
The smart money will back the odds that pretty much every major turmoil in human history first began with the words “I am”. As long as we continue to define ourselves through labels we continue to create dualities in society. As much as these labels providing strength to those labelled they also create inherent problems for all.
How can, for example, someone be defined by what they eat? If I choose to eat fish but not beef or cheese, what am I? In this example if I don’t eat fish I’m a vegetarian or vegan, but with fish I am without a label. If I choose not to drink alcohol what am I?
Attachment to life’s labels offers its biggest challenge because the attachment itself provides comfort. Living beyond the label however is not just about how others see you but, importantly, how you view yourself. To be “working class” for example carries with it certain assumptions about your value system and career choices.
As with all labels they preclude our freedom to ultimately be ourself. Each forms a layer of cloud under which we exist and our happiness lies.
Feb 13 2008
4 Widen your horizons
“A spoon of salt in a cup of water can be unbearable whereas a spoon of salt in a lake goes unnoticed” The Buddha
Life’s always dishing out spoons of salt whether they come in the form of terrorist threats or your annoying neighbour.
Our reaction to these circumstances is, however, not predetermined by “life” but our own breadth of experience.
I recently read an interview with Barrack Obama that homed in on his background. Being part muslim as well as born outside of the US raises some interesting dilemmas for America’s future role in the Middle East should he win the Presidency.
No doubt Obama’s life experience will equip him with a breadth of understanding not afforded to your average died-in-the-wool Republican. Such experiences allow us to empathise with others different to ourselves.
When the mind is closed, as the cup and any brittle structure it is less resistant to stress or change. A brick building will not last a long time in Tokyo. Similalry our happiness derives from our ability to understand others and overcome nature’s emotional earthquakes.
Perhaps one of the greatest ways to broaden one’s mind is travel.
In this sense I don’t mean package holidays or coach tours I mean experiencing the culture head on. In Vikram Seth’s “From Heaven’s Lake”, the author recalls and laments the passing of train travel in the modern age replaced by the sanitized airplane that cocoons its passengers from the very contact that makes the time spent rewarding.
Travel has given me many unforgettable experiences. Maoist freedom fighters on the foothills of the Nepalese Himalayas were decent hardworking people who like the rest of us wanted a better life for their children, supported Manchester United and smoked Marlboro. Muslims wherever I went from Egypt to Indonesia were not fanatical terrorists but some of the most welcoming people you’ll meet. They loved to talk, haggle and generally enjoy the moment.
Having lived abroad I feel more aware of the pressures facing those in similar situation. We take so many thing for granted. In my first 3 months living in Tokyo I lost 5kg because you just don’t know what to eat or where to easily buy it. The experience widens your horizons and I guess equips you better to deal with seeing situations from the other person’s perspective.
Perhaps most importantly travel teaches you about yourself and your own constructs of identity. Being “British” is merely a construct, a fact you slowly realize when you live in a world where it is merely a curiosity rather than you identity.
Happiness is, as Matthieu Ricard says dependent on others. Compassion towards others based on a deep understanding is the root of this happiness.
